It's My Funeral

For the first 30 or 40 years of my life, I went to a lot of weddings. I'm in a new phase now. Next week I'll be going to the funeral of the mum of a dear friend. A fortnight ago I went to the funeral of a lady I'd known since I was a child, I'm probably doing 5 or 6 funerals a year and I expect the number will rise.

With each death there's the loss of the person who has died. There's also the loss of part of myself. Those people knew me in ways that newer acquaintances never will. I know that's rather a selfish outlook but it makes their funerals even more important. The event is a memorial to them...and these days usually a celebration of them...but it is also about the times and feelings and relationships we had in common.

My friend is arranging her mum's funeral rather brilliantly but at huge speed. Most people only have a week or two to do the planning. How extraordinary that is when you think how long we spend planning our weddings or even the christenings of our children. The problem is that most of us leave all the arrangements to those we leave behind.This week a report by Mintel concluded that very few people make any plans for their own funerals and yet most of them believe that pre-planning would be a good thing.

Perhaps we all believe that if we put our heads in the sand and don't talk about death, that it won't happen. Or perhaps it is worse than that. Perhaps we fear that if we make plans for the event, that it will bring it on.

I have made a will because it has been drummed into me that it is the only responsible course of action. But I haven't made what is called a "living will" to let others know what I want to happen when I die. My husband wouldn't have a clue. And these days it isn't obvious. Even the Church of England has recently held an exhibition to show how you can jazz up a funeral, but outside the church (of any denomination) the choices are now wide open. You can be scattered at sea. You can be buried in your garden. You can have a non-religious service. You can be accompanied by the music of Elton or Rod Stewart or Elgar. You can have a service based around your hobby whether it's motorbikes or painting. You can be shot up to the stars in a rocket or turned into a piece of jewelry.

Most of us now move around and don't die near where we were born so where to rest is problematic. I'm not sure how many people remember the verses to the traditional hymns (the next generation certainly won't) so singing could be a problem. I'm not sure how comfortable I feel about being buried in a churchyard when I haven't stepped inside a church except as an architectural visitor or for a school concert for many years. No wonder my husband wouldn't know what to do if I don't even know myself if I want to be buried or cremated.

I'm going to try to find out what is available and how to pre-plan what I want. I'm not alone on the journey. My mum, Beryl Paterson, is 72. She's divorced, a lapsed Catholic and profoundly pragmatic. She wants to sort out the options because a) she doesn't know the answers, b) it's fun and c) she doesn't want to burden the rest of the family with the decisions. So there are the two of us in search of a decent funeral. One that's good enough to die for.